he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
