Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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