why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
