just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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