Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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