soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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