ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
