She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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