Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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