He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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