So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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