you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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