if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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