I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
