I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
