I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
BRING THE BAGELS
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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