I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
