my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
