college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
