I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
