Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
