Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
