I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
