You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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