I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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