u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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