he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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