I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
