I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
