Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
