I will die if light touches me.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
