I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
