Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
