I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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