nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
