dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
