no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
