She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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