we have pet lesbian snakes
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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