yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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