the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
