just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
COCAINE IS GR8
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
