you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
