the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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