FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
