The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
