Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
