I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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