Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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