my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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