Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
