i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
