i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
