Your mouth is God's brothel.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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