My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
